I'm a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days. I watched Hillary Clinton on the news the other day, and I got choked up by Hillary Clinton.

I’m a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days.

You don’t want to have to come into work on Monday already apologizing. I try to save my apologies for what I’ve done later in the week.

Rules with an iron fist, but sometimes in that fist is a rose.

Theres nothing like taking two flights when you have a horrible hangover. Its bad when people can see actual alcohol seeping out of your disgusting pores.

I'm a huge fan of 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of my favorite shows.

We decided we don't use the term 'fat' for me. We use the term 'juicy' for me. My wife's fine with it, but the rule is when I'm over double her weight, it's over.

Right away when I got to college, I realized that being a politician sucks. It's really hard! It wasn't for me. B.J. Novak is convinced that I will run for mayor of Chicago at some point. He begs me to do it. It'd be a tough gig, but I was always very attracted to the idea of helping people and trying to make the city a better place.

Mark Wahlberg, when I was in high school, people were like, 'You look like Marky Mark!' Then as I got older, they were like, 'You look like Donnie Wahlberg.' Now they're like, 'You look like Donnie Wahlberg's cousin from Massachusetts.'

I'm a big crier in general. The right life insurance commercial will take me out for a couple of days.